A Hot Mess Guide to Grownup Friendship

Making friends as an adult is so fucking confusing. Our grown up lives find us stripped of our identifiable markers for simple targeted friendship.

It’s much harder now to find the girl in black lipstick with a Nirvana t shirt, an easy friendship target, but now she’s probably in leggings and hoarding coupons for Michael’s, and I get it- we’re all aging.

And don’t evem get me started on Mom friends. How many baby led weaning and “how did your baby sleep last night” conversations do we have to wade through before I’m brave enough to drop a comment about kids being the world’s most persistent assholes?

I gauge your reaction. Have I lost you or are we “wine mom” friends now?

*FYI I don’t like wine*

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The Friendzone is Fucking Barren

Omg friendss yas

I don’t have very many friends. However the ones I do have are amazing and I adore them.

I keep my circle small because somewhere along the line I became terribly boring and decided to cut out silly things like “unnecessary drama” and “leaving the house”. Somehow this resulted in me not making friends as an adult.

I am feeling like there is something missing and I suspect its friendship. Specifically friendship with other female grown-ups.

As it currently stands, I’m trying to take on the patriarchy and throwing “moon parties” in the woods all by my lonesome. SAD FACE.

But how does a healthy hot mess go about this? Fucked if I know. Perhaps something can be learned from my failed attempts at friendship in the past.

Here are 10 reasons why we probably aren’t friends.

10 Reasons Why We Probably Aren’t Friends

  • I didn’t have a personal Facebook so I didn’t remember your birthday. I put it in my phone but I break phones often, so when the time came I didn’t know. I could sync my calendar but Big Brother is hoping I’ll do that so I never will.


  • You wanted to go out at 9pm. Can’t you see all these kids? If I’m not in pajamas by 9 pm I turn into a pumpkin. But like, a bloated and enraged pumpkin that needs a nap.

  • You made a horrible decision and I couldn’t help but say something. Or maybe I didn’t say anything at all in the interest of keeping the peace. Saying anything (or nothing) can be friendship poison.
  • You didn’t want to hang out at my house. Apologies, but no one wants to babysit my 3 kids. I have like once a month baby sitting opportunities so I have to save that for something exciting like the dentist or shopping at Costco.
  • We just met and you asked me out for coffee. Then you tried to sell me special Acai berry slurry. I barely know you I don’t want your slurry. Warm me up first. Taking me out for tacos might have worked, I don’t even like coffee! #betterlucknexttime
  • You expected too much from me. I can maintain a relationship for many years based on texting alone. I struggle to communicate without the aid of GIFs. Help me, science.


  • Things were going great and then you said “supposably”. I have standards you know.
  • My resting bitch face. You hated looking at it unless there were pancakes between us on the table, but I try to avoid carbs so there was nothing there to soften the blow.
  • You thought I didn’t like you. I couldn’t tell you how I felt because I couldn’t find your “like” button. The modern world has ruined me, does outside still exist?
  • We used to work together and now we don’t.

Making Friends as An Adult is a Fucking Struggle

How do you feel about making friends as an adult?

I feel like I can’t be alone in this, so help a bitch out by sharing this and then maybe we will all feel less alone!

Making friends as an adult is super hard! And dont evwn gwt me started on mom friends. Here is a guide to grown up friendship and the reasons we probably arent friends

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  1. Sylvia Marcia February 19, 2018 at 2:49 pm

    Love this. Really great post. Super relatable. Making friends as an adult is the worst.

    1. MandiEm February 19, 2018 at 3:25 pm

      Thank You! I have had some ongoing depression issues and I think this has a lot to do with it

  2. Amy Hughes | muscleMATTERS February 19, 2018 at 3:31 pm

    Ha, love every bit of this! From the easy-to-recognize-future-BFF of high school yore, to the resting bitch face and everything in between, you hit the nail on the head. It is harder to make friends now, mostly because I donโ€™t really want to go thru all the rigamarole that entails. But I do have a close few that I keep in touch with. Mostly thru text. ๐Ÿ˜‚

    1. MandiEm February 19, 2018 at 3:47 pm

      Lol through text is the only way! ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

  3. Sabrina February 19, 2018 at 4:01 pm

    Girl! Making adult friends is the worst. Irregardless of how supposably easy it looks for other people…exspecially all my childless friends. ๐Ÿ˜‰

    Seriously though…its balls. I think all mamas can agree. My best friends right now are Jamie and Adam from the Mythbusters reruns (hello 9 pm on Friday night!)

    I just want to find someone to drink beer (or wine if that’s your poison of choice) with while our kids tear apart the house and chase the dog, with a mutual understanding of “Yeah, they’re a bunch of lovable little monsters aren’t they?”

    1. MandiEm February 19, 2018 at 4:08 pm

      Yes! Free range mom friends. Someone to sit next to you when you yell “errythang alright?” Every time you hear a crash. No one gets up either because they are probably dine ๐Ÿคท

  4. The Cupcake Witch February 19, 2018 at 4:51 pm

    I’m currently struggling to learn how to do friendship. I kind of made a friend last semester, but we’re not really “friends” so much as he’s a guy I text sometimes who introduced me to church and we haven’t hung out in a setting outside of school or church ever. I’m also meeting friendly people at church, but I don’t know if I’d recommend that unless you’re cool with all your friendships being based on Jesus.

    For the record, though, I am totally in to take down the patriarchy and have moon parties in the woods with you. We can do it over Skype or Facetime or something. It’s basically the same thing as being there in person, right? Technology has ruined me, too.

    1. MandiEm February 20, 2018 at 6:11 am

      Most of my friendships are based on mental problems so I’m sure based on Jesus ain’t so bad.
      Hooray for a new coven member! #ladyactivities

  5. Yaa Yaa February 19, 2018 at 7:05 pm

    Oh, wow, Mandi. You hit the nail on the head. I moved to NC two years ago and having the most difficult time making friends. I have no patience for BS; I second guess peopleโ€™s motives all the time and I hardly go out for fun.

    I do have friends from the carefree days of my 20s. I hold on to them for dare life… via text ๐Ÿ˜‰

    1. MandiEm February 19, 2018 at 9:28 pm

      You are lucky to have That! In my 20s I was changing diapers ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

  6. jordanquirkcole February 19, 2018 at 10:26 pm

    This post gives me life, youโ€™re hilarious ๐Ÿ˜‚ Iโ€™m pretty confident we just became instant internet friends but Iโ€™m not exactly sure because technology hasnโ€™t yet afforded me the opportunity to make an official badge of โ€œimaginary friendshipโ€ so this post will have to do. ๐Ÿ˜‰๐Ÿ’—

    1. MandiEm February 20, 2018 at 6:10 am

      I’ll accept your submission ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

  7. overthehillontheyellowbrickroad February 20, 2018 at 5:14 am

    I’m always re-defining the word “friend” as I grow older. For example, when my kids were going to school, many of their friends’ parents were my “friends.” After my kids graduated from high school, I lost touch with many of those “friends.” These days, writing a blog, I feel I’ve developed virtually friendships. What’s that all about? ๐Ÿ™‚

    1. MandiEm February 20, 2018 at 6:09 am

      I know right! I went from work friends to online friends. Each phase of life is weird and comes with its own people

  8. floatinggold February 20, 2018 at 7:45 am

    <b.So well written. Funny and true. I totally relate.
    Also, get yourself a paper calendar and put the B-days there. And then from year to year just transfer them to the new one.

    1. MandiEm February 20, 2018 at 1:27 pm

      Yes great idea!!

  9. floweringink February 20, 2018 at 8:10 am

    I love this post! I would also be perfectly content to have an entirely texting friendship. I too have only a few friends, but they are close friends; I have never been very good as the casual friendship thing and I have a lot of quirks that I think make it hard for people to be friends with me. You are, as ever, delightful, hysterical, real and honest!

    1. MandiEm February 20, 2018 at 1:27 pm

      Thank you Susan โค

  10. Honest K February 20, 2018 at 12:05 pm

    You are literally me. Cauliflower and avoiding carbs aside, we are the same person. I feel like a wrote this! I too have a resting bitch face, fuck you attitude coupled with a healthy dose of mental health issues and a general cani be fucked with people philosophy. But you, you I can be bothered with ๐Ÿ™‚ absolutely loved reading this post ๐Ÿ˜

    1. MandiEm February 20, 2018 at 12:40 pm

      Thank you so much โค yes we are like twinsies separated by lots of distance. If we ever get out that way to visit the fam I am invading your house and making you cauliflower ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

      1. Honest K February 20, 2018 at 12:57 pm

        ….I’ll make sure I’m busy that day…

        1. MandiEm February 20, 2018 at 1:26 pm


          1. Honest K February 20, 2018 at 2:48 pm

            Aye, totally right ๐Ÿ˜

  11. the incurable dreamer February 20, 2018 at 12:19 pm

    Great post, Mandi! Pretty sure that most people can relate to it. I just donโ€™t have the energy. If itโ€™s not easy, I simply canโ€™t be bothered to try to โ€˜friend.โ€™ Luckily, a few people have come into my life this year, like little blessings, but we seemed destined to find each other, so the whole thing was seamless. Also, small talk hurts my head. If we are going to be friends, we are going to get real dirty together in the trenches – otherwise, I have no fucking interest. I don’t give a single fuck about the weather. Know what I am saying?! Thanks for writing this, nice to know that there are many of us out there who have a hard time and that itโ€™s totally ok!

    1. MandiEm February 20, 2018 at 12:43 pm

      Small talk is the worst. I somehow always find myself veering the conversation into very strange territory then wondering why I don’t have friends lol

        1. MandiEm February 20, 2018 at 1:28 pm

          I agree ๐Ÿ˜‰

  12. Kayla February 21, 2018 at 6:00 am

    Yes! This article is awesome. Why does it have to be so difficult?

    And then when you mention to “normal” people that it’s hard making friends as a grown up, they say stupid shit like, “just join a club. If you did some kind of activity, you could make friends there.”

    Bitch, please. People that are going to Zumba class don’t want to hang out with my sweaty ass. If they’re going, they’re going alone or with friends they already have.

    1. MandiEm February 21, 2018 at 6:04 am

      Omg THIS! I have made small (admittedly half ass) attempts at things like this and it’s like being in high school all over again because there’s just cliques everywhere and I just wish I was at home watching the Mindy project knee deep in taco chips

  13. DGGYST February 22, 2018 at 9:56 am

    That ” supposably” comes out and you know its over. lol! This cracks me up! And as someone who doesnt have kids, but is not 22, it’s like come to my house. We will have tea. I do not want to go to the bar at 11:30 at night. or 10. or really past 7…. ok, 6.

    1. MandiEm February 22, 2018 at 10:16 am

      I know right? I can’t keep up with.. anyone really *shrug*

  14. Husna Thompson February 24, 2018 at 11:12 pm

    Yes!! So true! Making friends as adults is just awkward. It’s even tougher to make couple friends!

  15. Ely February 26, 2018 at 3:15 am

    Ha!!!! Where have you been, you beautiful messy creature! Oh I’ve found a new FRIEND!! Let’s go for coffee and smoothies and let me telll you about my broken little life! Lol!

    1. MandiEm February 26, 2018 at 8:35 pm

      I would love to hear all about it! Love you blog btw

      1. Ely February 27, 2018 at 5:41 am

        Thanks hun! ๐Ÿค—๐Ÿค—

  16. scar February 27, 2018 at 7:43 am

    That’s a really good point about the band t-shirts! As a teenager it was so much easier to “find your tribe” because people’s bags / hair / clothes / etc. gave you some kind of insight into what they enjoyed. Whereas nowadays we’re all suited n’ booted, and looking like office workers. (Well, I’m not. I work from home so I’m still rocking pentagram handbags and skull hoodies, but maybe that’s why I don’t have many friends.)

    1. MandiEm February 27, 2018 at 2:01 pm

      Omg sounds like you are the perfect friend for me!! Thanks for stopping by โคโค

  17. domesticsarah March 24, 2018 at 11:33 am

    Whew buddy, yes. Or all your friends have kids and you donโ€™t. Or traffic is fucking awful and you canโ€™t get anywhere and if you have to find parking to meet up some place you will diiiiiie. I donโ€™t know what Iโ€™d do without Facebook messenger, tbh.

    1. MandiEm March 25, 2018 at 9:27 am

      Omg yes ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

  18. crazywriterof6 March 27, 2018 at 7:26 pm

    I have five kids… These are all true statements, lol…

  19. Denise April 12, 2021 at 10:26 pm

    Thank God I decided to be a writer when my kids were old enough. (You know when they ask you to drop them off a block before the birthday party or the mall… like they jusr beamed in.) The serious ones, the ones who took criticism and rewrote, and offered thoughtful notes on my writing as well. Like the Nirvana shirt? Those were the clues. A older life set of really great friends (and we eventually got published too.)


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