Do you keep a high vibe by carting about healing crystals in your bra? If you don’t, maybe you should be!

One of the hardest parts of parenting is that I can’t complete a thought without being interrupted by screeching, yelling, wailing and general child-induced loud fuckery of some sort.


Awhile ago, I noticed that I got to a point of total collapse when it came to my peace and sanity. Parenting is hard for anyone, but I often wonder if there is something wrong with me- if I have a sensory issue that makes it so that I can literally feel the shrieking of my children jolting through me like an electric current. I reached a place of absolute exhaustion, I had a sad realization that I was spending much of my days feeling ragey and miserable, having a massive amount of difficulty with coping.

In my life I’ve tried meds, yoga, meditation- all the things they tell us should help, and for me they didn’t. I reached a point where I was willing to try pretty much anything to try and calm my ass down before I end up dropping dead mid-shriek (“she died as she lived, a screaming harridan of a woman”).

Now, I’m not sure whether to classify my actions as a “last-ditch effort” or a “New Age cry for help”, but one day I found myself wandering into the local metaphysical bookstore where I looked around the little baskets of crystals in search of some magic rocks to fix me.

I was advised to choose crystals that spoke to me, so I kind of stood there like a teenage boy at the high school dance and thought “well?!?”.

Luckily, the store I went to had little placards that described the effects of each type, so I looked around urgently for ones that had keywords like “CALM” and “PEACEFUL”, since the rocks themselves were suspiciously silent.


When I first met my best friend, I recall going out for breakfast with her and how she casually pulled a crystal out of her bra. I’m pretty sure that magical, somewhat unconventional moment was the moment that I knew I was in love (and if you haven’t had a platonic falling in love moment with a friend, then y’all need to meet more people). I snort-laughed at the table that day so many years ago, and it also stuck with me all these years later as I chose a tumbled amethyst as it looked like the kind of mineral that wouldn’t tear my titty to shreds while I tried to raise the ol’ vibes.



Things To Consider When Choosing A Titty Crystal*

*If you are wondering why the bra, well, they are basically the only reliable place to house things due to the fact that women’s clothing more often than not has fake pockets, or no pockets, and when we DO have pockets, we typically fill them with snacks and other treasures.


Crystals come in different forms. Some of them are sold in a more “raw” state, featuring jagged edges and sharp points. These might be “foggier” in appearance/colour/shine.

Others are sold polished, meaning they have been tumbled to be smooth the entire way around. You can even get these in whimsical shapes, such as hearts.

If you’re looking for a crystal to put in your bra, chances are you aren’t ready for life to hand you more bullshit. So my advice to you is this- go for polished. The last thing you need is to go from cranky, overwhelmed bitch to cranky, overwhelmed bitch with a torn up boob sac and itchy scab woes.


When choosing a crystal to put in your bra you need to be aware of the size, unless you want it to look like your nipple is laying an egg.

How stressed out are you? Do you need multiple crystals in your bra? Will they fit?

All things to consider when choosing a crystal to jab into your titty for the lion’s share of the day.


This depends on the outcome you are going for. Are you looking for love and need a nice rose quartz up in there? Maybe you are looking to have more peace or clarity in your life?

Determine what outcome you are going for and start from there. Find a crystal you connect with. Close your eyes and if you hear a little voice saying “psst, over here, ho” then you may have found your match.

Cleanse Your Crystal And Set An Intention

To cleanse your crystal you can sage it, put it out to charge under the moon, use moon water, or use another crystal like selenite to clean it. If the rest of your family judges you, fuck ’em! Sage their asses too. Yeet that negativity right outta your space.

To set an intention you can meditate with your crystals (reccomended), or simply hold it under the full moon and whisper “please just fix me I beg” (also effective).

Does Crystal Healing Even Work?

All science was magic once. Who the fuck knows? There are many things we can’t see that have a significant pull over our lives.

I have literally no idea if crystal healing works, but what I can say is that since I’ve started wearing one in my bra I have felt calmer. It’s very difficult to tell if this is the placebo effect, or whether my attention to my mood has itself created space for me to try and do better.  I’m just a very stressed-out, superstitious bitch, and for this reason alone the rocks can stay. It’s not even the weirdest metaphysical thing I’ve been up to lately, so whatever.

So if you want to give it a shot then why the hell not. At the very least you’ll have something pretty to clatter onto the floor everyday when it’s pajama time.



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1 Comment

  1. Aidan October 30, 2019 at 8:34 pm

    Fun fact: They actually make bras with special pockets on the front between the cups specifically for housing crystals. Of course, they don’t make these bras in my size, but I laughed when I saw them, because REALLY? I love my crystals, but do we honestly need special slots in our bras to house them? And if they can put crystal pockets on bras, why can I not get a back pocket on a pair of work slacks? Then thinking about that made me angry, which kind of defeated the whole purpose of the bra-crystals anyway.

    I think I will just stick to necklaces. Crystals are expensive and I’d probably forget it was in there and it would fall out while I changed and disappear under my bed with a thousand lost socks, that goldfish cracker from 2014, and my sanity.


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