Well fuck me sideways, here I was so angry at chickpeas still that I almost forgot that Mothers Day is fast approaching.
In case you aren’t familiar, Mother’s day is when you celebrate the special mother in your life by giving them an hour or two of extra sleep before dragging ass to stand in line at the IHOP for a million years with a bunch of other pancake seeking procreators. The bonus is that your kids get to scream in a different acoustic environment!
Being a mother is very rewarding of course, but it’s also very tiring and does a lot more damage than any one day of extra sleep can undo. Most jobs don’t require you to cut your asshole boss’s food into triangles, but Motherhood does, and for that we salute you!
Here are some neat gift ideas for the many types of mother in your life:
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For the First Time Mother
How to Traumatize Your Children: 7 Proven Methods to Help You Screw Up Your Kids Deliberately and with Skill is an illustrated guide on how to… well, traumatize your kids! I am suggesting this for the first time mother because any seasoned mother worth her salt has probably figured out how to screw up their children without the aid of a book, but hey we all started somewhere amirite?
For the Mindful Mama
Know a mom who needs to sneak a little more mindful relaxation into her life? Get her this coloring book and watch her become zen as fuck.
For the Tidy Mama
“What should we get mom?”
“How about some coasters? Bitches love coasters!”
We sure do! Get these here and never fuck up mom’s table again.
For the Mom of Little Ones
Being a mother of little ones is an emotional rollercoaster of “why is this wet!?” and “why was that sticky!?”. Help make it better with this handy little bottle of hand sanitizer.
For the Mom Who’s a Terrible Driver
This decal puts the responsibility in the hands of your road mates to alert you to falling offspring. It also has 3 terrible reviews but was just too funny to leave out so maybe just email me and I’ll write it out on a bandaid and mail it to you.
For the Crunchy Mom
Know a mom who is into that organic, all natural shit? Get her this mug from my store and I promise she will love you forever. This one doesn’t say shit specific to being a mother but buying it helps support my canned margarita habit and whats more #momlife than that?
For the Step-Mom
My husband is stepdad to my oldest son, so I have a special place in my heart for the step-parents of the world. This mug is super cute and not too sappy for the badass stepmom in your life.
For the Mother Figure
Not all Moms are made via the birth canal. Show some appreciation to that special lady who isn’t your mom by science, but is by the heart with this sweet and sassy mug.
Other Funny Shit for Moms!
Here’s to you Momma!
What have you got planned for Mothers Day? Let me know in the comments!