I’m sure you’re familiar with that phrase “with great power comes great responsibility”.

It is truly important that each of us use our voice, and any platform we have available to us to speak out in the face of injustice and lies.

It is with this in mind that I bear the heavy responsibility of sharing with all 7 of my blog readers the truth about chickpeas.

This post contains affiliate links to fund my avocado toast habits. For more info on affiliate links click here. You rock!

roasted chickpas on a pan

What the Fuck is a Chickpeas

Chickpeas are legumes, which are full of nutrients and shit that are super good for you. Chickpeas are a legit source of protein, which makes it a dope part of vegan and vegetarian diets. Additionally, eating shit like hummus and roasted chickpeas are a good way to get your snack on without filling up on empty garbage calories.

Chickpeas would be truly amazing and a perfect 10 if they didn’t taste so fucking vile. Chickpeas are gross little bastards that want to ruin your day by tasting like shit while infiltrating your Pinterest and Instagram feed.

Chickpeas are shaped different than every other bean and I think maybe that’s why they are so nasty. They have body issues and take it out on our tastebuds. They look like tiny strange dumplings and taste like fucking chalk. They also seem to have this weird gelatinous jacket they wear to hold in their evil. So when you pop open a can of chickpeas and rinse them, their horrid little skins sometimes fall off and just sort of jiggle in your sieve.

I have tried making them a few different ways because I I WANT TO LIKE THEM SO BAD, and here were my results:

As taco filling: I used to say “It would take a lot to ruin a taco!” but now I know it only takes one thing-chickpeas.

Roasted: Tasted ok but would have been better minus the chickpeas.

In a salad: Salads need things to make them better, not worse, and this aint it.

Hummus: Is the Devil’s paste.

With these experiences in mind, I have created a few recipes for the chickpea hater in your life.

Chickpea Recipes that Don’t Suck

chickpea salad

Chickpeas on the Shelf

Ingredients:

  • Can of chickpeas
  • Grocery store shelf

Method:

  • See chickpeas on the shelf.
  • Keep on walking, like the Good Lord intended.

via GIPHY

Chickpeas Without Borders

Ingredients:

  • Chickpea dish of your choice
  • An envelope
  • 1 International Stamp

Method:

  • Make something with chickpeas, be super disappointed.
  • Feel guilt to waste your meal because there are people out there who are hungry.
  • Send your meal to one of those hungry people.
  • Wait patiently for them to send it back.

via GIPHY

Chickpeas on Another Bitch’s Plate

Ingredients:

  • Roasted chickpeas
  • A friend (mine would be the lovely Honest Kirsty)
  • A plate

Method:

  • Go out for lunch with your friend, she orders chickpeas, you do not.
  • Listen to her rave about how great chickpeas are.
  • Nod your head to be friendly while being woke to the fact that she is wrong.
  • Feel blessed that the chickpeas are on her plate, not yours.

via GIPHY

Disclaimer

I Googled “I hate chickpeas” and and “chickpeas are gross” and found a very underwhelming response which shows me that my very correct opinion might be unpopular. I was surprised and fully expected to find a robust hater community on par with that of Cilantro.

I anticipate chickpea lovers will be eager to tell me how wrong I am and to throw recipes at me which I actually wouldn’t mind since I really do wish they weren’t such shit.

How do you feel about chickpeas?

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15 Comments

  1. ChickpeaLover April 17, 2018 at 7:22 am

    Pahahaha! Hilarious! Man, you must really hate chickpeas alot eh. I think they are tasty little bastards, like most of the internet it would appear. Bit they have a time and place and on a taco is not that place!

    Reply
    1. MandiEm April 17, 2018 at 7:33 am

      Tacos are not to be fucked with

      Reply
  2. floweringink April 17, 2018 at 8:12 am

    This, “They also seem to have this weird gelatinous jacket they wear to hold in their evil. ” is bloody brilliance!!! You are one gifted and funny lady!

    Reply
  3. LA April 17, 2018 at 9:13 am

    Sorry…love chickpeas. Had them in a soup last night. Ground up theyโ€™re delicious with olive oil. Roaste$ with oil and salt theyโ€™re great snack. Long live chick peas…

    Reply
  4. After The Party April 18, 2018 at 5:54 am

    I’m a fan of chickpeas. Sorry. But you know what I do hate SOOOOO much? Beets. Beets can just go extinct for all I care. Blech!

    Reply
  5. Lis April 19, 2018 at 2:50 am

    I had to follow you based off this post…anyone so passionate about their hatred for a food deserves my undivided attention! x

    Reply
  6. Skinny And Single April 20, 2018 at 11:17 am

    K, I fucking hate chickpeas… The first chickpea was reported 7500 years ago, and they even hated them back then.

    Reply
    1. MandiEm April 20, 2018 at 3:00 pm

      It was a simpler time

      Reply
  7. iwannabealady April 20, 2018 at 2:32 pm

    I’m a fan of the chickpea, but I can appreciate a good rant like no one’s business.

    Reply
    1. MandiEm April 20, 2018 at 3:00 pm

      ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚ I’m passionate about negative things I guess

      Reply
  8. Lucy At Home May 24, 2018 at 1:56 pm

    This is hilarious!I am not a fan of chickpeas either so I really like your recipe ideas! And my favourite line = “They have body issues and take it out on our tastebuds.” That made me laugh!

    And somebody loved this post so much, they added it to the BlogCrush linky! Congratulations! Feel free to collect your “I’ve been featured” blog badge ๐Ÿ™‚ #blogcrush

    Reply
  9. The Midnight Goose July 28, 2018 at 11:45 am

    This sounds like my wife and I. I love chickpeas, she hopes we one day find out that they cause cancer. “Chickpeas On Another Bitch’s Plate”???? Why didn’t I think of that first? It could’ve been the title of my autobiography!

    Reply
  10. Diane Kennedy October 15, 2018 at 11:10 am

    I googled “chickpeas are gross” and was not disappointed. You are a talented comedic writer and 100% correct about garbanzo beans. ๐Ÿคฎ

    Reply
    1. MandiEm October 19, 2018 at 12:10 pm

      Omg thank you! Glad I’m not the only one lol

      Reply
  11. Not a fan of chickpeas November 12, 2018 at 11:53 pm

    Thank you for writing this! I also Googled “chickpeas are gross” and found this article. It made me laugh because it’s so relatable. I attempted to have a mashed chickpea sandwich for dinner tonight, but it ended up being the garbage can’s dinner since I couldn’t make myself finish it. Chickpeas have a strangely sickening smell and taste that is, in my opinion, similar to fish that’s been sitting in the sun for too long. I wish I liked them because they’re an excellent source of plant-based protein, but they’re utterly unpleasant.

    Reply

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