I’m sure you’re familiar with that phrase “with great power comes great responsibility”.
It is truly important that each of us use our voice, and any platform we have available to us to speak out in the face of injustice and lies.
It is with this in mind that I bear the heavy responsibility of sharing with all 7 of my blog readers the truth about chickpeas.
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What the Fuck is a Chickpeas
Chickpeas are legumes, which are full of nutrients and shit that are super good for you. Chickpeas are a legit source of protein, which makes it a dope part of vegan and vegetarian diets. Additionally, eating shit like hummus and roasted chickpeas are a good way to get your snack on without filling up on empty garbage calories.
Chickpeas would be truly amazing and a perfect 10 if they didn’t taste so fucking vile. Chickpeas are gross little bastards that want to ruin your day by tasting like shit while infiltrating your Pinterest and Instagram feed.
Chickpeas are shaped different than every other bean and I think maybe that’s why they are so nasty. They have body issues and take it out on our tastebuds. They look like tiny strange dumplings and taste like fucking chalk. They also seem to have this weird gelatinous jacket they wear to hold in their evil. So when you pop open a can of chickpeas and rinse them, their horrid little skins sometimes fall off and just sort of jiggle in your sieve.
I have tried making them a few different ways because I I WANT TO LIKE THEM SO BAD, and here were my results:
As taco filling: I used to say “It would take a lot to ruin a taco!” but now I know it only takes one thing-chickpeas.
Roasted: Tasted ok but would have been better minus the chickpeas.
In a salad: Salads need things to make them better, not worse, and this aint it.
Hummus: Is the Devil’s paste.
With these experiences in mind, I have created a few recipes for the chickpea hater in your life.
Chickpea Recipes that Don’t Suck
Chickpeas on the Shelf
- Can of chickpeas
- Grocery store shelf
- See chickpeas on the shelf.
- Keep on walking, like the Good Lord intended.
Chickpeas Without Borders
- Chickpea dish of your choice
- An envelope
- 1 International Stamp
- Make something with chickpeas, be super disappointed.
- Feel guilt to waste your meal because there are people out there who are hungry.
- Send your meal to one of those hungry people.
- Wait patiently for them to send it back.
Chickpeas on Another Bitch’s Plate
- Roasted chickpeas
- A friend (mine would be the lovely Honest Kirsty)
- A plate
- Go out for lunch with your friend, she orders chickpeas, you do not.
- Listen to her rave about how great chickpeas are.
- Nod your head to be friendly while being woke to the fact that she is wrong.
- Feel blessed that the chickpeas are on her plate, not yours.
I Googled “I hate chickpeas” and and “chickpeas are gross” and found a very underwhelming response which shows me that my very correct opinion might be unpopular. I was surprised and fully expected to find a robust hater community on par with that of Cilantro.
I anticipate chickpea lovers will be eager to tell me how wrong I am and to throw recipes at me which I actually wouldn’t mind since I really do wish they weren’t such shit.
How do you feel about chickpeas?
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