If you ever wondered what purgatory is like haaaaavve you met the grocery store??
You might think that with this hair of mine that I frolic in meadows or floral fields but Nay. I frolic in the grocery store. Like a proper adult.
I even worked in one. That’s how I met my husband. He is by far the best thing I picked up in the grocery store. I squeezed him, sniffed him and took him home forever. Fancy that!
Over my time in them I noticed some common archetypes among customers/fellow shoppers.
Behold- The 7 Types of Asshole you find at the grocery store.
7 Types of Asshole You Find at The Grocery Store
1. “My card doesn’t work but I refuse to go home and call the bank to sort it” Lady- She asks the teenage checker to swipe it again. And again. And again. Until you all fade to dust and the sands of time blow you away.
2. “I pay in all small change but I also don’t count so well” Guy- He’s right in front of you. Spend this time in line thinking of all the shit you are doing wrong with your life. Think hard and dig deep. He’s gonna need to recount those nickels.
3. Tiny asshole with tiny cart- “Hey you know all those crazy kids who run amok in the grocery store? Let’s arm them with little shopping carts!”- the Devil, probably.
Don’t let their adorable little faces fool you. They are terrible and most definitely out to injure you and shave years off your life with the panic they induce.
4. Lady who won’t accept that you don’t work there- “Do you know where the light bulbs are?” -“No I don’t work here” -“How about the kitty litter?”- “Sorry I don’t actually work here or have a cat”- “Can you tell me what cheese I should get to go with this Landjager?”- You sigh heavily and put on an apron. You give up. This is your job now.
5. “This is on sale” lady- Only it isn’t… But you better believe she’s leaving with it half price, or with the teenage checker’s self esteem in her environmentally conscious reusable tote bag.
6. The Self Checkout- Proving you don’t need to be human to be a total raging asshole of the highest order.
7. That kid over there- shaking the tortilla chips while spinning in a circle. He’s screaming the theme song to Paw Patrol. His face is smeared with chocolate from the free cookies. Oh shit that’s YOUR kid… time to pretend you don’t know him. Or hide in the staff room, remember you work here now!
Ohhh yeah and there’s always these people:
My superpower is not bitch slapping you when you stop short in the grocery aisle to have a conversation with Karen up the street blocking the whole damn aisle NO ONE CARES ABOUT SHAWNS NEW COAST GUARD JOB GET THE FUCK OUTTA MY WAY I NEED SOY SAUCE
— Healthy Living for Hot Messes (@HLFHM) February 28, 2018
Let me know if there’s any assholes I missed