Oh the holidays. I have seen so many posts about cherishing your loved ones during this time, and how to make sappy memories, but there is very little out there for those people who maybe don’t have a picture perfect relationship with their families. For some people, the holidays are a time filled with guilt, shame, obligation and sucker punches to the ol’ self-worth!
So if you come from a family that doesn’t talk about their feelings, or maybe you do but in a thinly veiled way; this gift guide is for you! Because really, Holidays are a family occasion. Everyone is just there to get drunk, eat turkey and judge each other silently.
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Passive Aggressive Gift Guide
First step is to wear this shirt . This is a great way to start off showcasing your feelings without being up front in any way at all! Understand what? That you’re awesome? Or that you are a neurotic mess who eats butter and cries during old episodes of the Gilmore girls? How your family members interpret this shirt will be a more accurate reflection of how they feel about you, so make sure if anyone says anything about it you go over it in your mind over and over and over and over and over. Weep accordingly.
This book on how to live right. Given the fact that 9 out of 10 people would qualify as a dick at least 50% of the time (yes this is a fact backed up by my extensive personal experience), the chance of one or more of these insidious creatures being in your immediate family is quite high. Your risk significantly increases once you take in laws and extended family into account. Since the dick in the room surely isn’t you*, it is your responsibility to help correct their behavior in a polite manner. Chances are they don’t realize that they are being a dick, so this book will have them checking themselves before they wreck themselves. Since it’s the holidays, you might want to bring 2 of these bad boys to your family function, because I’d bet my life that you will have trouble figuring out who deserves it the most.
This Passive agressive notepad is perfect for telling someone they are passive aggressive in a way they might inherently understand. Laugh together semi-uncomfortably as families do, because holidays!
This makeup remover is the perfect gift for that teenage cousin you have that wears wayyy too much makeup. It also works as a great gift for your goth nephew who has just discovered Kat Von D tattoo liner! It is made with natural ingredients so that their delicate skin will outlast anything their current identity crisis can throw at it. Tons of great reviews too. You can even buy some for yourself to wipe off the mascara streaks from silently crying in the bathroom when someone mentions your weight in a low key asshole kind of way.
This diffuser is a great way to say “Hey Aunt Kathy, maybe you should clean the litterbox before company comes over” without being a dick about it (after all, you don’t want to be the one to get the book on how to not be a dick next year).
This cookbook is the perfect gift for someone who you feel probably shouldn’t be tasked with more ingredients than they have fingers on one hand. Actually come to think of it, feel free to send it over here.
This shirt is probably the most efficient of all the passive aggressive gifts here, because it manages to pick on the drinking habits of more than one person in a single shot (see what I did there?). A two-fer! It also pairs excellently with the first shirt on this list. Hell, go out for dinner and let the town see what kind of family you are (or let them judge for themselves).
If you have a family member that has more spare time than productive hobbies, give her this set of Shea Butter with a recipe book on how to make your own natural products! The underlying message here is that she could probably be spending her time better than watching Divorce Court and stalking her exes on Facebook.
Happy Holidays to You and Yours!
This post is intended to be entertaining for those out there just trying to survive the holidays with their families, but on on a more serious note it is important to remember that you have the right to spend your time with who you choose.
As adults we sometimes tend to forget that we do have the power to avoid people who bring us down, even if these same people are a part of our families. Once you are done buying everything on this list and gleefully telling everyone you know to follow me on Facebook and Twitter, consider checking out this Holiday Survival Guide from the Assertive Woman.