If you ever wondered what purgatory is like haaaaavve you met the grocery store??
You might think that with this hair of mine that I frolic in meadows or floral fields, but nay. I frolic in the grocery store. Like a proper adult.
I even worked in one. That’s how I met my husband. He is by far the best thing I picked up in the grocery store. I squeezed him, sniffed him and took him home forever. Fancy that!
Over my time in them I noticed some common archetypes among customers/fellow shoppers.
Behold- The 7 Types of Asshole you find at the grocery store.
7 Types of Asshole You Find at The Grocery Store
1. “My card doesn’t work but I refuse to go home and call the bank to sort it” Lady- She asks the teenage checker to swipe it again. And again. And again. Until you all fade to dust and the sands of time blow you away.
2. “I pay in all small change but I also don’t count so well” Guy- He’s right in front of you. Spend this time in line thinking of all the shit you are doing wrong with your life. Think hard and dig deep. He’s gonna need to recount those nickels.
3. Tiny asshole with tiny cart- “Hey you know all those crazy kids who run amok in the grocery store? Let’s arm them with little shopping carts!”- the Devil, probably.
Don’t let their adorable little faces fool you. They are terrible and most definitely out to injure you and shave years off your life with the panic they induce.
4. Lady who won’t accept that you don’t work there- “Do you know where the light bulbs are?” -“No I don’t work here” -“How about the kitty litter?”- “Sorry I don’t actually work here or have a cat”- “Can you tell me what cheese I should get to go with this Landjager?”- You sigh heavily and put on an apron. You give up. This is your job now.
5. “This is on sale” lady- Only it isn’t… But you better believe she’s leaving with it half price, or with the teenage checker’s self esteem in her environmentally conscious reusable tote bag.
6. The Self Checkout- Proving you don’t need to be human to be a total raging asshole of the highest order.
7. That kid over there- shaking the tortilla chips while spinning in a circle. He’s screaming the theme song to Paw Patrol. His face is smeared with chocolate from the free cookies. Oh shit that’s YOUR kid… time to pretend you don’t know him. Or hide in the staff room, remember you work here now!
Ohhh yeah and there’s always these people:
My superpower is not bitch slapping you when you stop short in the grocery aisle to have a conversation with Karen up the street blocking the whole damn aisle NO ONE CARES ABOUT SHAWNS NEW COAST GUARD JOB GET THE FUCK OUTTA MY WAY I NEED SOY SAUCE
— Healthy Living for Hot Messes (@HLFHM) February 28, 2018
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Soooo fucking hysterical. I love this Mandi! The grocery story is hell!!!!!!
Thanks!
I just howled at this. Number 4! I work in retail, so I hear you loud and clear. And I too met my other half whilst both working at a grocery store! New branding looks wicked 😉
Thanks So much!!
Yes to all of this!
Plus the people who purchase 100 items yet somehow end up in the 10 items or less aisle. Pisses me off each time.
Loll yes!
LOL absolutely true!!
Thanks!
So funny and yet so true. I try to do self checkout when I don’t have much and there are long lines everywhere. I wish more honest people would!
Agreed 😂
Hahahaha! My worst grocery store scenario is saying an awkward hello to an acquaintance on aisle one…then seeing them on every single aisle after, for infinity. That shit is enough to make my socially awkward self abandon my cart and just go home. 😂😂😂
Hahaha omg stuff of nightmares
I also get the “Silently Judging What’s in Your Cart” Asshole. Either they’re the skinny girls in yoga pants raising their eyebrows at my Oreos and Cheetos like “It’s called self-control, Porky,” or they’re fellow fat girls scoffing at my salad like “Uh-huh, yea, right. Go grab the jumbo bag of Reese’s minis like the rest of us, traitor.”
Fuck those people.
Yeah I hate it when I’m by someone with all healthy food and i start feeling the guilt
Nailed it. I used to work as a brand rep for a food company, so I was in grocery stores all the time but didn’t actually work in the store. Try explaining that to #4. I eventually gave up and memorized the aisles so I could just answer the damn questions! 😂 Even worse than #5, is the bargain hunter whose discovered price matching. No, I don’t want to stand here in line for 20 mins while you go through every flipping flyer for price matches!!
Lol yeah I always wondered about price.matching I just can’t bring myself to do it 😂😂
I am laughing like a maniac at this. So hilarious. 😂😂😂
Thank you so much!!
This made my day!
Yayyy!!
My #1 asshole customer would have to be the one who picks up something perishable like ice cream or a pork roast, decides they don’t want it after all, and then carefully hides it on a regular shelf behind a fortress of Triscuit boxes so it can melt/mold over at its leisure. Because sticking it back in a cooler or handing it off to an employee to be put back properly would be COMPLETELY out of the question.
Followed closely by asshole #1.5, who nonchalantly deposits their half-finished Starbucks in plain view on the shelf next to Castle Triscuit and walks off with an air of smug superiority for having avoided that most arduous task of finding one of the store’s seventy billion available trash receptacles to toss $2.50 worth of blended specialty coffee into.
Omg yes!! These assholes for sure 😂😂
My every move after that first awkward encounter after the hello is based on avoidance. Buying the actual groceries I need? Automatic second place.
OMG!!! Yes!!! And hey… I met my husband when we both worked in a grocery store too. I’m very grateful that I have a 24 hour supermarket less than 2 miles from my house. Go after 7:00 pm but before 11:00 pm – less a-holes to deal with 😉👍🏻
That’s crazy! Must be a great place to meet dudes 😂😂 I’m taking that tip for times for sure
Your tweet. Basically that.
Or when you insist on parkinging your cart straight down the middle of the aisle while you choose the pasta with the least gluten, with the most fiber, etc. That way, nobody can pass you. And when I push your cart away you scoff at me for being in a hurry.
Omg yes. That person is *such* an asshole lol