The world we live in today exposes us to a toxic slurry of chemicals, genetically modified Frankenfoods and a veritable smorgasbord of low vibe bullshittery. In a quest to get healthier, many folks will hop on literally whatever bandwagon that rolls by claiming to detox their lives, leaving them as pure and pristine as Gwyneth Paltrow’s organic cotton arse towels after a particularly therapeutic BM.

It seems like each year that passes the waters of “health” become ever murkier as we humans make up literally the dumbest shit ever and pass them off as MUST DO practices, all in the name of health, Amen.

Behold- the following is a list of 4 of the most “what the fuck” trends for health in 2019.

4 What the Actual Fuck Health Trends for 2019

Celery Juice

Congratulations! Your least favorite vegetable is now being juiced to fuck and touted as the next holistic magic bullet for anything and everything including inflammation, autoimmune disease and everyday pesky emotions.

Now, you could just eat the celery and call it a day but what the hell, why not skip the trouble of trying to chew through all those pesky strings by putting it in a juicer instead. Lord knows you probably need a reason to justify that juicer you bought that collects dust in the pantry while you eat kettle chips and watch true crime docs on Netflix.

One last quick thing, the celery juice trend was started by a “medical medium”. Yep! You can’t make this shit up.

Face Reiki

Its 2019 and woo shit has become mainstream as fuck. If you were to leave your house right now, chances are you’d pass multiple bitches with crystals in their bras and freshly saged taints.

One place that’s capitalized on this trend is The Calmery, a wellness clinic that offers energy healing including Reiki facials. With this procedure, a Reiki practitioner performs massage to remove energy blockages (presumably) leaving you looking like a serene glowing Goddess.

Mindful Menstruation

I legit don’t even know where to start with this one because there is just So. Much. Long story short is to embrace that big period energy. Get your vibe right with the moon. Watch your plug choice. *Hashtag Self Curr*.

For more on the nitty gritty this is a good read. Depending on your opinions towards free bleeding on sea creatures (or something like that).

Bleeding Plant Based Burgers

By now we’re all aware of the harmful effects our current meat consumption habits have on both our health and the environment. So it’s no surprise that more people than ever are going vegan and meat free. However as it turns out, you can take the meat out of our diets but you can’t take the INSATIABLE BLOODLUST from our hearts.

You’ve probably heard of the Beyond Meat burger, a plant based burger patty that actually bleeds like a real meat burger (only beet-ier). Well there are actually a few others that have been created to have the same effect, a plant based burger that bleeds. With many people adopting vegetarian and vegan diets, the demand for plant based options has skyrocketed. But why they gotta bleed though??

Just like most years, looks like 2019 is gonna be full of a whole lotta cray cray when it comes to health. What are some health trends that you just can’t be arsed with?

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1 Comment

  1. Sabrina Chapiel March 22, 2019 at 3:38 pm

    There’s just so many weird health trends!! Seriously can’t even keep up. I read a hilarious study done by one guy who swore you could sell anything s a health product if you threw enough pseudo-science and health jargon into your marketing. He proceeded to sell bottles of hot dog water, claiming various health benefits. Just to see if he could. And he did…yikes.

    I’ll stick to my farm eggs, garden, and fresh air 😉

    Reply

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