Have you ever found yourself suffering from mental instability, feeling unbalanced and this overwhelming sense that your entire life is out of whack?
Me too girl. And the surprising cause? Its your damn eyebrows.
Fun fact: did you know that your eyebrows can entirely throw off your center of gravity causing you to fall off the deep end into madness?
This is why when you see someone who has mad eyebrow game you immediately feel the need to bury them in respect and send them a balloon or something for having all their shit together. You can tell with a simple look that they have likely never stress eaten bagel bites while taking out their many numerous anxieties out on their eyebrows. They have never sat with tweezers posed in hand, illuminated only by a light therapy box which is supposed to be helping those aforementioned anxieties, but instead it is just alerting you to the existence of all those otherwise invisible stray hairs so you can pluck the shit out of them too.
Sound familiar? Congratulations and welcome to your new life of spending your free time browsing eyebrow tutorials and spending all your cash on products that can help you draw on that which you took for granted.
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The Struggle(brow) is Real
I know all about strugglebrows because I happen to own a pair and no matter what I do to try and keep them in line, there they sit on my face ruining my fucking life and causing me grief. You see, I was born with a unibrow and back before Cara Delavigne and Instagram weirdos that was not considered a good look for an awkward preteen. However my unibrow did pair nicely with the gap between my front teeth, because whoever was handing out features on the day I was conceived was obviously drunk, bored and probably on meth.
The Strugglebrow Chain of Command
Now whether or not your eyebrows are a fucking disaster one thing is universally true: there is a hierarchy on your face and a clear division of labor and that is why you have both 1. A dominant brow and 2. A wayward brow.
Now don’t get it twisted, neither of these bitches knows how to behave. Although you might be tempted to think one is better or worse than the other, this is simply not true.
The Dominant Brow
The Dominant brow is the HBIC (head bitch in charge) on your face and fully has the power to either bless or fuck up your day. When the Dominant brow decides to bring it she shows up like Beyonce on your face, but when she is feeling like a Diva you just need to accept that it’s her face and you are just along for the ride. Better luck tomorrow.
The Wayward Brow
Much like your fuck-up cousin Chris who is kind of garbage but like, harmless garbage, your wayward brow is kind of just there… still fucking up your day but you know it well enough to not have much in the way of expectations to begin with. Its like the runt brow and that’s ok because I mean really, if your dominant brow is having a good day then you can basically get through that dinner party by keeping your head firmly tilted to the left, or alternatively you can grow a long fringe to hide it while you fondly remember MySpace.
How to Repair Your Eyebrow Situation
I have spent an unhealthy amount of time trying to learn how to keep these assholes on my face in line and I would love to tell you that you can just sacrifice a pygmy squirrel, or do some dance in the woods at 9:15pm on a Sunday to clear that shit up but it wouldn’t be true.
You can fight them all you want but they are boss and it is important you remember this.
Personally, I have spent the last few years trying to grow mine out and I try and shape/fill them in using Anastasia dipbrow pomade. It works pretty decent, but it is kind of expensive and a pain in the ass. So my backup method is to use whatever pencil is on sale at the drugstore and just avoid rain and swimming pools.
I have heard that fake eyebrows are a thing so you could always try that, although a quick browse of Amazon got me here:
Which led me to think that maybe if you wore your eyebrows in a stack like this you could be so visually overwhelming that you could be memorable without having to have nice brows at all.
Best of Luck with Your Face
So if you suffer from strugglebrows and you landed here thinking I could help then I truly am sorry.
I wish you the best of luck with your face and I’m pretty sure that the more you drink the better your eyebrows look, as evidenced by how often drunk girls compliment each other’s eyebrows.
Here are some more funny eyebrow things to make you feel a little bit better.
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